Give Compliments, Receive Confidence
Why leadership is a confidence game - and the best confidence builder is building up the people around you. Here’s how to do it.
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Daniel
In kindergarten, did anyone ever trick you into trying to lick your own elbow? Or have you realised that you have never seen your face - only reflections and photos?
Just because something is real, essential, and very close to you, doesn’t mean you can see it properly!
For example, it is rare for anyone to think about, let alone say out loud, exactly how lovely they are. Normally you muddle through the day feeling, and speaking, like you are no one special. This is a recipe for underestimating yourself, stepping back, shrinking rather than growing.
We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than we judge others. You are probably perfectly aware that you’re surrounded by incredible-lovely-talented-gorgeous-amazing people every day.
It follows that most of them are filled with invisble self-doubts, too. But they love you. They think you are extraordinary beyond measure and utterly irreplaceable and this is all as obvious as the nose on your face. Even Chris Hemsworth is fully on board your fan train:
Low confidence and esteem don’t reflect a lack of amazing qualities. Your qualities are just too close, and stuck slightly at the wrong angle, for you to see properly.
The result: Too many of us run around in circles inside our own heads, rather than channel our many gifts outwards into the world. It’s a huge waste.
How Can You Get a Better Look at Your Best Qualities So You Can Feel Confident as a Leader?
You can try approaching the challenge directly: write a mindmap of your qualities, ask a friend to tell you, practice bragging, etc. All wonderful ideas, except that in real life, they are excruciating. Like craning your neck for an hour to lick your elbow.
I have found it’s easier and more natural to look for qualities in other people instead. By noticing the best in others, I end up building a muscle for noticing my own strengths, too.
This can look like paying someone a compliment. Some compliments are more effective than others, though.
“That was brave” or “I admire you for doing that” = nice and sincere, but kinda boring, plus they can box the other person in to accepting the compliment or issuing a faux denial. Do you really want to make them say, “No, I wasn’t being brave”? (Btw, if these compliments come your way, a good reply is, “Thank you,” or, if you must, “Thank you, that’s kind of you to say.”)
What we really want is a way to help them see their own qualities from the inside just as brightly as you see them from the outside. It’s like empowering them to see their own face rather than a distorted reflection.
The Magic of Mirror Compliments
If people are used to seeing their own reflection in a mirror, then we can think of our mission here as trying to be like a ✨ magic mirror ✨ that reflects the best version of the person so they can see part of themselves in a new light.
How can we do this?
Magic Mirror compliments can sound like…
The Light-and-Shade: Contrast their noble actions with a far worse alternative. “It would have been very easy to leave that cleaning for someone else,” “I think most people would have melted into the floor rather than stand up and speak like that.”
The Personal Favour: Focus on a particular benefit to you. “I didn’t realise that was such a problem before you did something about it,” “That point you made actually changed my mind about…” What feels vulnerable to you feels honest to them.
The Buried Treasure: Hide the compliment inside a question. “How did you come up with that amazing idea?” “Why are you passionate about that?” Even the question, “Were you nervous?” can highlight someone’s courage.
You’ll notice three sneaky qualities of these ideas:
They make the compliment more specific which makes it feel 10 times more special. Instead of wondering if you’re just being polite, the other person feels truly noticed or heard.
They make denial more difficult - by resetting the context, asserting your personal experience, or obscuring the sentiment with a question. Yet the person is not boxed in to an immodest acceptance speech, because…
There is a smooth segue to a new topic - such as the reason behind the person’s action or your reasons for being affected.
Have you received compliments like these before? I’d love to hear examples!
People are often amazing, and deserve to be told so. Unfortunately, you are usually the last person to appreciate your own gifts. But you can turn your mind to the gifts of others. With practice, this will make your own gifts plainer to see, too.